office. Writing a guide on breastfeeding. Anyone who’s known me for even close to 7 seconds will respond with: “You? Write a guide? On breastfeeding?!!”. I might as well have announced that I’ve been writing a book on gorilla-scalping.
“What do you know about breastfeeding?” they ask incredulously.
Well, the closest I’ve ever gotten to developing anything even remotely resembling maternal instincts is touching the dog-eared tip of an Anne Geddes photo (in the process of tossing it into the dustbin). I am not married, have no kids and I am physically incapable of making cooing noises or performing any of those infantile antics adults usually perform to entertain babies. So I guess the answer to that question is obvious: nothing.
But after a couple of months on the project, I’d like to share 7 things I have learned:
1. Breast milk is best for baby.
2. Contrary to popular belief, breastfeeding does not make your boobs sag. It’s them blasted childbirth and gravity that turn your boobs into hanging tubes of flesh (yes, and this is supposed to make women feel better how?). I’m not entirely convinced about this but my boss and/or some doctors on the editorial panel may be reading this, so this is purely self-preservation.
3. Breastfeeding’s like really fulfilling and makes you feel like super-mom and all that.
4. You’ve gotta breastfeed the baby a zillion times a day and another zillion times in the dead of the night.
5. You can’t yell at your husband or call him a good-for-nothing #@%@@#!! while you’re breastfeeding the baby because this will disrupt the bonding process. You should also not be watching anything disturbing like horror movies, porn or any Mariah Carey music video while breastfeeding.
6. If you breastfeed right, your baby’s poop should be mustard-yellow in colour with tiny little seed-like things in them. It may be watery and look like diarrhea but rest assured, it's not. Well, not unless he’s pooping 24/7 and stinking up the house, in which case you should bring him to your friendly neighbourhood paed.
7. You may or may not know this but babies bite. Hard.